Full head
My head is to full. I wish I could sleep some more. My throat hurts, my ears hurt, I feel generally sucky.
There is just so much going on in my head. Choices to be made, people to get to know, things to be done. It can all seem a bit to much for one person to handle.
I need soup.
Somehow, soup always makes everything better for me. Both physical and mentally.
I doubt myself too much sometimes, think everything over too much. I try to interpret everything arround me, even if there is no meaning related to me in things people do. I’m afraid to loose, afraid to care or love, because that inevitably leads to loss.
Tuesday someone asked my about my first loss, without realising it. I told him, everything. We were standing outside the restaurant, smoking a cigarette and I told him everything.
My first big loss happened years ago, I must have been 15 or 16 or so, but it still hurts like hell sometimes. I feel guilty, I feel as if I didn’t do enough. It was something that scarred me for life. I had nightmares about it on a nightly basis for years after that and I still do sometimes. I just closed myself off, stopped loving, stopped laughing, stopped living and pretended to be doing great.
Arround the same time, someone walked into my life.
Let’s call her “Kid”. Kid forced me to open up to her. I didn’t really want to, but she became my best friend.
Kid and I have this odd relationship. I will always be there for her. Whenever, whereever. If she was to move to the end of the earth, all she would have to do is call and I would go, no questions asked.
After she opened my doors again, and I started letting people back in, I lost some more, I loved some more, I laughed, cried and cared again.
Right now, these ancient scars appear to be closer than ever.
Something inside of me stirred. I was growing feelings for someone. I really don’t want this, something so intense. Can’t really stop myself though. I’m just setting myself up for loss and more scars.
It’s not what I want though, I want things to work. I have rarely been so afraid of feeling, caring, maybe even loving.
Why is it so hard for me to just say everything that is in my head? I want it all to just go away, but I’m terrified of actually pushing him away by telling him how I really, really, really feel.
I realise that he probably reads this blog at some point, so I should have just kept my big mouth shut/fingers to myself…
Well, if you do read this, you already knew how I feel, so don’t act all surprised about it ;-)
2 comments
Permalink1
Mmm… I think you are right, that is too much for one person alone to handle, maybe you should seek assistance, I’m available Monday through Sunday from 6 AM to 5:59 AM LOL… I have been told that I can cook well ;) so I’m sure I can make everything better for you with a delicious soup every time you are down physically or mentally.
Faragon… Sometimes it’s better to trust your instincts instead of your logic, some things are just what they are, nothing more, nothing less and as we strive to find a different view, one that maybe suits our needs better we can often find ourselves in very disappointing and sad situations. That is why “Domino Harvey†decided never to invest too much attention in one thing… remember?
I don’t think you realize one thing; there is a particular characteristic of you that you overlook and tend to underestimate. It’s briefly described here http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/beautiful although I prefer to describe this distinctive characteristic of yours with a song interpreted by James Blunt although parts of it don’t really apply.
Anyway, always remember this…
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.
You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause Ill never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As I walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
fucking high,
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful it’s true
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful.
But it’s time to face the truth
I will never be with you.
You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
Permalink2
I’ll get a tattoo :-)
You’re too sweet, and you do cook well :-)
I ate a lot today, I like comfort food, am trying to stop myself from going to the MacDonalds to stock up on McFlurry’s! Ain’t that swell :-)