Meuh…
Lying in bed, coughing my brains out. (Or at least it feels that way)
Every time I almost drift to sleep, I feel like I’m choking (actually, drowning might be a nice metaphor with the whole drifting bit).
Needless to say, this might be a long night. Have now put loads of pillows up so that I sleep sort of half upright, but am now fully awake again. Need to wine and unwind for a bit I guess.
As I was lying here, contemplating. I realized something. I lost myself. I don’t know when it happened. Could have been anywhere between 3 and 10 years ago. Come to think of it, it might be nine years ago this season.
The reasons don’t really matter anymore though. It’s what comes of this thought that counts.
I used to be so different. Not afraid of anything. Wild and untamed in my entire being. Fearless to seek confrontation in discussions, which I usually won for some strange reason. Something changed though. I lost my mind. Almost literally.
I lost the ability to reason the way I used to. I lost the possibility to think fearless.
Now I’ve turned in to this shivering coward in a way. This little person inside my mind is afraid and is crawling back in a dark and safe corner in my head, instead of the rambunctious youngster she used to be.
I used to be fun and daring. Is this what comes of growing older, getting more responsibilities and taking them?
Right now I’m in this pretty shitty place in my life. True I have everything sorted, great job, awesome house, terrific pets… But everything will be a lot better in half a year or so. Some stuff needs to be sorted out and sort itself out. It will take time, everything takes time.
I want to feel free again *now* though. In thinking and acting. I want to do something daring.
I made a resolution. As soon as all the crap I’m in right now is sorted, I want a new piercing, something to commemorate all of this by. Today, I think I found what I’m going to do. I want a surface weaving. Something like this perhaps?
Actually, this looks really great too. Sooooo pretty. Don’t know if I would ever dare to do that though.
For now, enough depressed talk (and wining at that), will catch some sleep now. Nighty night awake people, and good morning to everyone else ;-)
7 comments
Permalink1
I’m kind of afraid to confirm that this “kind of” is what comes with becoming an adult.
While I’ve never been wild and “rambunctious” (don’t you just _love_ that word?!) or even outspoken, I do notice a change. I’ve become more solemn and have a much greater sense of responsibility. Sometimes too great a sense of, even…
It all comes when you start doing seriously adult stuff. No, I don’t mean having sex and stuff like that, because nothing keeps you young like that. :)
No, I mean stuff like:
* buying a house and getting a mortgage
* having a _real_ relationship and even getting married
* having people depend on you for their livelihood
* having a job that you really need, with no people to fall back on for money.
Basically: when you start getting real responsibilities. Stuff like that changes you at the core. It’ll happen slowly, but surely. Luckily there’s loads of things you can do to keep some of your childly qualities about you though :)
* My best friend and I have always loved cartoons. Guess what we regularly watch when we’re together? :D
* The same best friend took a huge risk by dropping his office job to train a full year for a commando selection. He never made it through but two wonderful things happened:
1) He took the chance!
2) He’s gone into the survival and outdoor sports industry. Something he loves.
* My wife is somewhat geeky and has the same sense of humour as I do. We laugh together a lot :) That helps… A lot :D
* Try finding something where you work a lot with kids, like a volunteering job or something. You know that festival I organise that I told you guys at Nedstat about? Last year we had around 1200 youngsters (ages 11-40) attend the weekend. It was great :)
So don’t fret too much. Part of it is your flu talking anyway :) There’s loads of stuff you can do to stay young and such.
Permalink2
We moesten maar eens wat leuks gaan doen :)
Ik ben nog (net) niet verpest, het zal aan de leeftijd liggen ;)
Permalink3
Heej, dat is maar mijn halve bericht?
Er stond nog achter: Want waar je mee omgaat, word je mee besmet ;)
Kusje!
Permalink4
*Agrees with Cailin Coilleach*
Furthermore, I think it is a bad resolution. It will not solve your current problem. Choose a resolution that works towards that goal instead. Almost 2 years ago I’ve seen that you can actually do that, be a bit more confident in yourself :)
hugs from old and spoiled rvs :D
Permalink5
And? Alive again? Or still feeling horrible, crappy and “meuh”?
Permalink6
You’ll all get your responses, just not now :-)
Don’t feel like typing it all in. Busy day today, will clean house for a bit and tonight, I will snug up on the couch and tell you all about it :-)