Faragon's blog

A little while ago, I wrote about getting yourself in a hypnotic state whilst doing ordinary things. Today, I noticed I had turned a blind eye on ordinary things.

I was cycling home and there was a huge road blockage. I thought it was strange, because by the looks of it, it was obvious that some work must have been going on for some time. I hadn’t cycled home sinse last Wednesday (something to do with being in Switzerland, going to work directly from the airport, and on the way back taking a detour in a car, and going badmintonning yesterday) it was totally possible for me not to have seen it before. However, I *did* cycle the exact same route as I did that morning.
The blockage was on my half of the road (or bicycle path if you will), unlike this morning, when I was going in the other direction. I vaguelly remembered there being little caravans for construction workers around the place (yet another hint of ongoing and long term work being performed) but I seriously couldn’t remember the blockage being there. (And trust me, it’s hard to miss a 1.80 m. high fence with big read-and-white-striped boards across it)
I was forced to use the other half of the road (that being the wrong side here, but the right side in England, just to get you confused) and I had to cycle over some huge iron plates, there to protect whatever it was that they put under them, which obviously needed the protection.
Now I *do* remember cycling over the iron slabs, because they were in my half of the road and therefor very “present”. I still didn’t recall the fence, or the huge gap in the road behind it, being there.
I dismissed this as being because it didn’t bother me before, it was not in my way, so I didn’t need to notice or remember it.
So it’s safe to assume that I turned a blind eye on something, just because it didn’t bother me.

It got me wondering, do we always do this?
Do we just forget seeing the things that we see if they’re not important to us at the time?
Do we just forget things, because they’re not important to us at the time?

It also got me wondering about a fight I had yesterday. Actually, it wasn’t a fight, it was a conflict by proxy, because the person concerned doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.
I didn’t get it though, I believe now maybe I do.

Maybe the conversation we had before we had a fight was like the road I was cycling on. In more ways than one.
In retrospect, the conversation was like a little bump, covered by an iron slab to smooth it down on my side, and quite obviously a major roadblock on hers.
Besides that, I wondered if it is possible that all the things I said to explain what I said were lost in her memory, like the roadblock had vanished from mine… Just because they didn’t matter at the time, she only heard something what was like an iron slab covering a bump on the road, yet she missed the obviously present, yet unimportant at the time, roadblock, that was the soothing and explanatory words I spoke, to accompany the painful ones that also passed my lips.
In that aspect, I hope she can one day come to see things from my side of the road and see the roadblock, or come to realise that there were reasons for my actions and words, and although they might not be valid anymore now, they were then.

A friend said to me yesterday that I would come to forgive her at some point for the conflict by proxy, and I couldn’t see how I ever would be able to, because I was hurt and angry about it being by proxy in the first place.
I guess some times people are right, even if they were wrong before on other things. I’m sorry now for saying that I could never forgive her for proxying. I should have said that I couldn’t see how I would ever be able to understand her point of view in the fight, or her reasons for using someone else to pass on messages, and therefor couldn’t see how I could forgive.
I do now. Or at least I think I do. I think I do with enough confidence to forgive for the fight and the proxying. It really doesn’t matter right now if I’m right or not, keeping up the awful and mad attitude I’ve had sinse yesterday is of no use anymore. Sometimes I’m just wrong, even when I think I say the things I say because I know myself. Sometimes I’m wrong, even when I was right before on other things.

Cycling home and realizing all of this, I was so happy I decided to ride my bike, instead of taking a bus. Even if the latter was incredibly tempting because of the rain.
Taking the bus would have meant not seeing the roadblock for another two days, and quite possibly, by the time I would notice it, it probably wouldn’t have gotten me contemplating in this way.

I think today turned out to be a day with a happy ending.
That’s five in a row now :-)